Parenthood

No, I’m not going to talk about the epic ‘80s sitcom starring (among others) Steve Martin (GENIUS!) and Rick Moranis. Rather I have done quite a bit of thinking about parenting lately, so we’re going to likely get a little personal here today, so if you have fear – turn back now. Otherwise, read on … comment if you feel the need/desire/want.

As I am sure everyone knows, I am a divorced father of one little first grader – she is the light of my life, she is my “spark” (as my incredibly fiancée has noted more than once). And I am soon to be a stepdad to 3 incredibly different Gingers (to be known as Lamar, Sally, and Crash) who all resemble their mother in a number of different ways each – from Crash’s visible likenesses to Sally & Lamar’s subtle similarities. That’s right; I act as a parent to 4 kids in my house … and a handful of others from time to time.

As you all know, I am divorced (with that soon changing to married) as is my fiancée … this poses a significant challenge for both/each of us – parenting children who have an outside influence in their lives from the other parent. Now before you get too excited, I won’t be bashing either parent or their parenting style here. While I know our styles or ideals have been called into question more than once, that is not my style. What I have no problem talking about is the subject of the struggles that we face when the kids are all with us. Because the “other parents” do not agree directly with our parenting direction (one much more so than the other), we face the complications of behavioral adaptation when the kids come back home. Sometimes this adaptation is minor, sometimes it is much more difficult and trying than it should be, but there is a disparaging difference in how the kids are treated between the houses – fairly or unfairly viewed. This manifests itself in how each of the kids act towards and around each other … they “settle in” the longer they are around each other in the house. (to the point that Sally has even said “oh man I’m so glad to be back home!” when walking into the house) It’s the transition phase that becomes much more difficult for all of us, kids and parents.

But there is more than just this transition that has come to light recently … it is how other children are treated by their parents, not just our 4. Lamar has 3 friends who all have their own parental issues that they are dealing with … and all three are rather tragic. She has a friend who has clearly been physically (and probably mentally/emotionally) abused by her parents – to the point she has become a bully. Another who has been ostracized by her mother and is (reportedly) living with an elderly relative (great grandmother?). And a third friend who has also (likely) been mentally/emotionally (and possibly physically abused) by her mother. One a bully, the other two dealing and adapting as they can, and often (likely) struggling to do so … not picked on by someone at school, but by their own parents. When did we reach this phase? Where did it become even remotely OK to treat young women or men in this way?

I know this isn’t something that is really new to the world, children have been cast out since the dawn of time –not just in our humanist society, but also in other animal societies. However our society tends to have the petty reasons for doing so – perhaps the child has more talent than the parent, more intelligence, or the parent feels the child will be better looking when they grow older? Instead of nurturing these children, it has become far too common to cast them out, to beat them down (physically or otherwise) to show them “their place” in this world. And it becomes all OK, because no other parents want to do anything about it. They don’t want to stick their noses in other people’s business … because they are afraid of what they will see? Or perhaps just afraid of some mild repercussions … ?

We have reached a point in my life where we are ready to say “enough … this aggression will not stand”. Perhaps the lightly named “Watrous Home for Wayward Children” isn’t such a misnomer? After all, there is more to being a parent than just the act of creating and birthing a child.