“I don’t care” … a statement with multiple meanings, all based upon one’s inflection of the words. Inflection is something that we, as adults, take for granted and use all the time. “I don’t care” can mean that you don’t have a preference/opinion, can mean that you are apathetic/cold, or it can mean that you are frustrated/angry and don’t want to hear what the other person has to say. One phrase with three meanings: “positive”, neutral, and negative.
But how do you explain this to a child, who is still figuring their way around language? That is a situation that has reared its ugly head in the Crusty Irish/German abode as of late … and it is all centered around that above phrase … “I don’t care”. Andrea and I are guilty of using the first inflection of the phrase when the kids ask for something, and we don’t have a problem with it/reason to say no. We (like so many others) reply with “I don’t care” – ie: I don’t have an opinion against you having that, so go ahead. Up until recently, this has not been an issue, until the past couple of weeks. Recently, my little spark has begun asking us both what “I don’t care” means … at first, we struggled to explain it (and we still do at times), before we asked why she was wondering (and asking so often). Needless to say, confusion abounds in the mind of my bright little girl.
It seems that my spark is eager to share her adventures with us (especially the gardening and planting – something she has taken to with reckless abandon) … and she is being shut down with “I don’t care” by her mother. Yes, the third meaning of the phrase - harsh, snappy, reactionary … and expecting full understanding of meaning and inflection. So another wrinkle has been haphazardly placed within the fabric of my daughter’s understanding.
I understand where she is coming from, she doesn’t want to hear about what is going on in our house … there is still much resentment and anger towards what has happened over the past 2+ years. While I don’t want to hear about every little thing that goes on in her mother’s house, I have tried very hard not to shut my girl down rudely. I am human, and there have been times when it has been difficult not to (there’s only so many times I can hear “I’m going to my mom’s house on Sunday …” before I start to wonder my place) … and my beloved FC has been a savior more than once! She, having the patience and air of calm that I sometimes lack, has been able to smooth out some of that wrinkle (and many others) and explain things better than I often ever could.
That said, it is one thing to ask a child to stop what they are doing/saying and explain why … it is quite another to expect that same child to understand adult conversation and meaning. And that is the conundrum which I presently face. Divorce is difficult on children, to begin with, however problems are compounded when that child is pulled into the middle of the equation and treated like an adult. Already unsteady understanding is further shaken by a problem that is quite possible to avoid, if one takes the patience and time to do so. I have found myself in constant struggle to keep my daughter from being torn up by being constantly pulled back “in the middle” by her mother. I am a mere man, and I fear for my strength and resilience at times … how much more can I defend for her before I am left with no choice but to take up my spear and go on the offensive? Anyone who truly knows me knows that I am not one to take up a fight readily, but I will do everything I can for those I consider family – especially those who cannot properly defend themselves. So, perhaps it is time and the unavoidable is inevitable … I rest assured I have my valkyrie by my side, should the need come to be.
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