Honesty

A topic that most of us struggle with at one time in our life or another … yesterday was an interesting day/lesson in honesty and how it affects the world we live in. The matter of honesty came up twice yesterday, in two different ways …

The first involved the eldest Ginger deciding to skip school … or at least attempting to. The problem with her plan was that she neglected to pay attention to what was going on that day – and the fact that her mother was not going in to work. What struck me about the whole instance (thankfully I wasn’t at home when this all went down), was that she, for the most part, didn’t deny the events once it was quickly proven her excuse was null and void. When confronted with the fact that she likely had plans with a friend to come over, she remained silent – no denial came, no evidence to dispute otherwise. Silent honesty when one can’t come up with a cover excuse.

The second occurred later last night (or was it technically this early morning?) … the fiancée and I were having an extended conversation pertaining to ourselves, our relationship, trust, our friends, and the image that some people feel they must portray to the rest of the world. I was put on the spot (unexpectedly) in regards to some of my previous actions and why I had done them. Something I had previously thought about, more than once, in my effort to change who I am. And some of the conclusion/explanation revolved around the way I had lived over half of my life, and my own (previously recorded) struggles with trust, honesty, and self-image. I wanted to be someone I wasn’t – because I wasn’t exactly happy with whom I was. Instead of being honest about who I was/am, I created … which led to years of dishonesty and unhappiness – all in the attempt to be happy. Pretty fucked up, huh?

One of the overriding questions last night, however, was – knowing what I did about my marriage, something that some might categorize as abusive in some ways, would I willingly/knowingly enter into a relationship with another person who was of the same personality? Something that plagues men and women everywhere, really … women leave a physically abusive boyfriend/husband, only to find their way to another abusive man and another and so on. The same can be said for men – they leave a controlling, belittling woman only to find another one just like her. It’s a vicious cycle that too many people repeat and propagate.

So, why does this happen? While I do not have an exact answer, I do have a theory … and it’s all about the front that we put on when we first enter into a relationship. We show the other person who we’d like to be, someone we think they’d like to see, and the other person usually plays along with their own front. They have their dirty undies at home, but we only see their sexy skivvies – because that is what they want us to see (thank you Nick Hornby for the point of reference!). We have to portray that we are someone else, in order to talk to someone. Eventually, we will see those plain, unsexy undies with the frayed waistband and the hole near the arse … and that realization comes through that they might not be who they thought we were. Men and women live their lives like this – every day. It is a rarity when you have someone who is up front and says “I’m wearing sexy tonight, but be aware, I have a pair of old, beat-up pair of whites at home” … why is it so damn hard for people to let one another in? Have we really destroyed the trust and honesty within each other?! Why is it so hard to say to someone else – “I have a sexy side and a plain side” … especially when it is almost a universal truth?

I, too, have been guilty of playing the game in the past. But I have ‘retired’ from a façade of a life. I’ve been told “you are sexy, and you make me happy, even when you’re in your scrubby, beat-up undies”. I hope she understands I feel the same towards her. I have no desire to play games any more … and I implore anyone who reads this to look at themselves closely, honestly and ask: “Am I playing games?” (and, if so) “What am I looking to gain by being false? Why can I not just be who I really am?” And to those who follow the vicious cycles in life, I hope you can break free. I hope you can find it within you to see where the “flaw” remains and break free. No one is perfect in this world of ours, but that doesn’t mean you should sell yourself short and just settle down with the same person you just left. Stop reacting and start trying to make some sense.