Doubt

Doubt is a topic I am well-versed in … a topic that has sometimes crippled myself and others’ belief in me. Like so many people, I am not a perfect person – I have lied, cheated, and stolen in my life. In fact, I am not proud of many aspects of my past – I was not strong enough to stand up to the one person in control and tell him enough is enough. That one person? Myself. While I have worked to improve who I am as a person, one issue from my past still plagues me to this day – doubt.

I have self doubt … I know, nothing new, as most of us suffer from this malady. Unlike some others, I don’t always do a good job of “faking it” and I allow my self-doubt to shut me up and lock me down. Fear of failure, fear of being wrong, of looking stupid … all of these thoughts and feelings surface in a hurry, even in a situation when I know I am in the right, when I know I have what it takes to succeed. I am sure this psychiatrist or that psychologist have their “proven theories” as to why I do this – not enough attention or love as a kid, loss of a parent, or an abnormally developed gene, or whatever.  What I know is how it can affect me now – how I let it affect me know. Self-doubt will build upon itself, even when there is nothing there. That weight can come crashing down upon my world and self image, leaving me with the broken pieces of my own creation and destruction.

However, I am working on dealing with this better, more productively. This blog is one of those mechanisms. Instead of internalizing everything, I am more willing to talk about it, more open to suggestion or thought to improve. More importantly, I am not acting out – I am not seeking some kind of affirmation that I am ok. I’m not looking to be coddled. Yes, there are sources I wish to hear some kind of confirmation from – my fiancée, my family, some of my closer friends. However, I am skipping the self-destructive behavior and “support” in favor of constructive support and behavior. I have slowly picked music back up. You will still hear me say I’m no good, but gorrammit, I’m still trying. Still trying to improve, to show others the “real me” (you want to talk about some fear?!) … someone I am still discovering in some ways.

While I have definitely been subject to my own destruction and doubt, my actions have also created doubt in those close to me. It wasn’t that long ago that my sister stated that my family didn’t know exactly what was true anymore, as I had told so many layers of lies – to them and to myself. How daunting is that? Knowing everything I say is under question from my family. I don’t hold anything against her, or anyone else, for that matter … because it is true. I layered lies upon lies for the better part of my life, for many different reasons - self-satisfaction, to cover my own short-comings, to appear better than I saw myself, to seem cool, to avoid conflict, to avoid confrontation, to be self-destructive and cheat. This is not something any one man can overcome in a short amount of time. I see that I have two choices in my life – continue the life of destruction, until it consumes me and leaves me broken and alone or change, be open and honest, and be the person I am and can be. I have chosen to change and I work on that every day.

So yes, doubt, you and I will have many duels as the days, weeks, months, even years, pass … but I am going to fight you with every breath I have, every ounce of energy available to me. You may win some battles, but I am determined to win this war. Even if our battles leave me battered and bruised … you shall not pass. I have taken back what is mine, truly mine, and I intend on keeping it.