Pride, envy, and loss ...

Again, crummy with the writing … the FC is much better at this than I am, and soon I am going to have to change the name of this blog (since my 35^th year is coming to a close in less than a month) … the past few days have yielded a couple of ‘milestones’ in the calendar year … Sunday was the 1 year ‘anniversary’ of the old man’s passing and Tuesday was the shared birthday of my grandfather and a man whom I have considered my brother. This last year has had some bittersweet moments to it … as my brother was fighting against the same disease that robbed my family of my old man’s presence. The difference? He lived and is living a pretty good life with his wife and his kids.

Why is this significant? The hurt and anger that is associated with it all … mind you, I try not to be an angry or hateful person – it doesn’t get us anywhere in life and I have seen firsthand the destruction it can cause. What really affects me is the fallout I have experienced with my brother, in the past year. Someone I expected would stay “neutral” has taken a side (whether by choice or by force, remains to be determined), and that brotherhood has become strained. Which leads to my feelings …

I miss my old man, and I know, in some ways, I have disappointed him and his memory. Something I am working to “repair” this year. I spent too much of last year as a coward, afraid to admit who I was, sometimes afraid to do what I should. Hell, I couldn’t even admit to my family that I had moved on with my life, and I shut out the woman I loved from my family for a while. If I were to follow bushido, I believe seppuku would be in order – many times over. But I digress …

I read this morning, a post of ‘relief’ about being able to celebrate a birthday a year later, ‘healthy’ and ‘disease free’ … and a wave of jealousy washed over me. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad that he is healthy and doing well, but that doesn’t dissolve the fact that he’s had nothing to say about my own loss. Maybe I’m a bit too possessive in this way, maybe this is the lesson I am to learn. Let go, Mick, and focus on what you need to do in life. Share the love with those who love you – there is that which you cannot control. A better year is to come … make him proud.