the crime of growing older

As I was leaving my daughter's school this morning, a wave of sadness washed over me. It's Friday, I shouldn't be melancholy, right?! But there it was (and it's still warding over me a bit) - a bit of sadness as I came to a stark realization that time is catching up with me. My little girl is 5, she's going to school full time, she's becoming a big girl now.
While there has been a great amount of turmoil in my life (to say the least), and I fear how much it will affect her youth. I have caused ripples in the innocence of her youth, and I fear it will dampen her spirited soul. I see the joy on her face, that flicker in her eyes ... but I still know that it weighs upon her at times.
I will not take back what I have done or I have said ... I made the decision that was necessary to escape from the downward trek I was making in my life. It was even brought up how much less I am drinking now, as compared to a year ago. I suppose getting out of an oppressive relationship and out from under the weight of lying, cheating, and hiding will remove a lot of stress from one's soul. I drank to relax, I needed it because I was really high strung, I was high strung because I was hiding what I was doing. I was on edge ... and I hated it. I look back now, and wonder what the hell was I doing with my life?
But I digress a bit ... yes, I am drinking much less nowadays. That is a good thing. While I do still love a good beer or whiskey, I don't need it to relax. I'm definitely much happier (overall) and less stressed that I was a year ago. Not to say I don't have stress in my life (I'm not that lucky), but it is different/lessened than it was a year ago. And that is a very good thing.

On to other topics ... open mic last night. Didn't go quite as well as I would have liked, but I am getting there. I need more practice, more confidence. One of these days, I just need to go busk for an hour. Get rid of some of that fear shite I sometimes feel. Might even earn a couple bucks while I'm at it. Who knows? But it was good to play public, especially for Andrea and my Rosie. Sure, they get to hear me dink around the house, but that's not mic'd and public and out there. There is some great potential out there for myself and Becker (what do we call the duo?), but we're going to have to do more than 30 minutes every 2 weeks, if we are going to do ANYTHING.

I think this melancholy is slowly working it's way out of my system this morning. Haven't heard from Andrea yet, which is a little odd. Maybe for lunch? Well, enough of my yakkin'.