Nerves, hints, and things left unsaid ...

I know, it's been a few days since I last posted - not a great start, huh? Well, it's been a weird few days ... there are many things being left in the air unsaid ... along with a number of lies that are hiding just beneath the surface of the veiled words that conceal them like a death shroud. Sometimes, a person can only go so far before he starts to play the bullshit card like it's going out of style.
Recent discussions have shown me how far apart we really are and we really were. While I was accused of asking for a divorce in order to "party it up" and live the carefree lifestyle, I have not been the one with the need to lie in order to have a 'night out' - especially when the night before was fully available. But, as much as it doesn't sit well with me at the moment, I know it is all going to come around ... in so many different ways.
I am also not free of having it come back around. I have already felt a great amount of loss and pain, and I know that I am not done. I have done plenty of wrong and caused plenty of hurt, I know that I have more coming to me. However, I am ready and open to accept that which is coming to me. I have accepted my place and my fault/cause for the hurt, but it seems that I am alone in that. It took up until this weekend for her to admit that our little girl actually is alright with me, and (in fact) likes spending time with her daddy. I know that took quite a bit out of her.
What I am having trouble grasping is her perception that she is above all of this and isn't going to be affected by what is going on. She once told me that she had no fault, no cause, for our divorce. Not sure how that works, since a divorce involves 2 people.
But, more than anything, that is one small item that is really bothering me. It's actually the loss of a friend because of all this that really gets to me. I know that things play themselves out with time ... but sometimes it is tough to see that, or keep that in mind when you are in the midst of it. Sometimes, it really is tough to see the forest for the trees.
Played live tonight, fucked up bad. I mean bad - not just saying that to be hard on myself. I had myself so nervous and wigged out that I fucked up bad. Oh well ... tonight's set:
Wanderlust
Scarred but Smarter
Wagon Wheel
What's Left of the Flag (in memory of my old man)

It's late. Time for bed. Happy birthday, Jono Manson! Happy birthday Mitch Darrow!